Prisoners of Thier own Devices
by dragonfly-rising
Summary: What happens when Yusuke and Kurama have to face an ordeal that puts them at odds not only with each other but with themselves. Please review! I would really appreciate some comments even if it's bad. If flaming, flame constructively. Please read Writer's Comment.
1. Touch

Disclaimer: I do not own Yu Yu Hakusho

Writer's Comment: I wrote this story on a weird idea of skimming the line between a deep friendship story and a Yaoi. If I did it right then it can be taken as either or so either you have a dirty little mind (not my fault) or you don't (entirely your fault). So if you want to flame make sure you aren't taking something for what it's not.

Touch.

If asked what the word meant Yusuke Urameshi would have automatically rattled off a list of things involving either the uncomfortable, such as hugs, or perverted. His teenage mind would have immediately associated it with grabbing various girlish body parts and the inevitable smack that would ensue from such behavior. It was not a subject he felt needed to be talked about.

Yusuke did not think of himself as a touchy person, not in the conventional sense. He had an exuberance for life that at times bubbled over. Sure that brand of bubbling could at times include knocking someone's teeth into the back of their throat but it was just a part. Most of the time it was a simple reaffirmation of life, the smacks and blows he traded with his friends. It was a necessary component of every day.

He and Kuwabara understood that without having to actually vocalize it. They did it with an air of affection that only other guys would have understood. Anyone who watched their playing around would've said it was a little to rough, that they were beating on each other. Of course it was rough, that was how things worked between them. It was much easier to just slug each other than bother with saying what did not need to be said.

That they had made a game of including Hiei was only another aspect of their brand of touchy. Getting to actually shove the small demon was a well thought out risk, smacking him on the back completely calculated. So what if Hiei glared at them. There was a fine line they walked between his "I am tolerating you" and his "I will end you" attitudes that they found to be an undeniable challenge.

If he wanted to Hiei was more than capable of moving out of the way. He allowed the occasional score with little more than a glare. Again not necessary to use words because it was something they all got.

The game changed slightly when including Kurama in their horseplay. While there were times the demon fox would allow a slug across the shoulder or even a friendly bump most of the time he came into their space not the other way around. There was a certain sense of inclusion when the red head allowed the interaction, a certain tilt of his lips that spoke volumes of his understanding of the game they were playing that turned it into something even more concrete and appealing. That in itself made it both a common happening but also in an odd way a rare treat.

Of all of them Kurama could be described as the touchiest of their group though his touch was of a variety that brought comfort as well as a sense of affection. His touch was not as limited as their brand, it did not carry with it the violence they seemed to need to express. He was just as deadly as them in a fight but outside of one he carried a strangely magnetic patience and kindness.

They all understood the difference in his interaction with them. They were all fiercely protective of him because of it.

The depths of this protectiveness had been made glaring apparent to Yusuke as recently as a few weeks prior. He was having more trouble coming to terms with this knowledge then with anything else he had ever had to think through in his life.

That he would die for his friends was not a thought he had to be conciously aware of, it was a deeply ingrained fact that defined his being. It was easy for him, that willingness to sacrifice everything. He knew the others of his team felt the same way, that the sacrifice was something they might entertain for the good of the others. If anything certain events such as the Dark Tournament had proven that.

He had never entertained the idea of any other type of sacrifice. It had never occurred to him that there even existed any other concept of it except death. Sacrifice was an absolute, it was the end result and there was no in between.

It was the same with loss. It was an absolute. You had something and in time it slipped away, it vanished. It might hurt but loss just like sacrifice was an absolute. One of those things where it could only be seen in one way or the other, there was no grey to the concepts.

Before three weeks ago that had been his silent truths, an unshakable set of beliefs that he knew beyond a shadow of a doubt. In knowing those things the world had a solid feel to it, a well grounded fact that allowed him to move through life without the need to question much of anything at all.

Now he knew differently, his world was no longer so solid. Sacrifice, death, loss, among other beliefs had become warped and impossible to fully manage without real effort on his part.

Strangely enough he found himself almost as talented as Kurama in keeping his inner instability to himself. He had to in order to maintain the outward appearance of normal. If the others knew just how messed up he had become they might start to question him and there were definitely things he did not want to discuss. Certain things were to private even to share with Keiko who was shockingly fooled by his performance.

So he managed to shove those disturbing thoughts into the darker corners of his mind. He managed to pretend around the others that nothing phased him. He managed to fool them all, to ignore the fact that he was being eaten away inside bit by bit.

It was a strain he had never bothered with before, this restraining hold on his emotions. Holding back like this was not in his nature. Before he had anger to cover anything that may have touched on this state of mind. A welcome rage that swept away the need for thinking that in its own way was comforting. It sealed him away from the full impact of anything emotional.

That was exactly what he lacked the ability to manifest against this newest storm of basic chaos inside of him. It was entirely emotional and that was something he was the least equipped to deal with. Real rage was no longer so readily available to him. When he did manage it there was no longer that familiar, comforting sense of insulation.

It was no longer singular. Rage mixed with confusion, layered with helplessness. It swirled with desparate needs that forced out insecurities he had never been aware of before to surface. All of it left him in an instant without warning, vulnerable to the nearest source of pressure. He hated that more than anything else, that sense of being defenseless.

It shouldn't matter.

That's what he told himself over and over again.

When those warring emotions slammed into him the moment he ripped himself from the nightmares, soaking with sweat and clenching his teeth against the screams tearing at his throat.

It shouldn't matter.

When he found he was reaching for someone he both needed to be there and wanted more then anything to not feel that need for.

It shouldn't matter.

That he was driven from his bed nightly. One of those new desparate needs propelling him out into the early mornings when the air was at its coldest. It soothed him somewhat, walking the streets at a time that it felt so intensely like he was all that existed. It cleared his head of everything even the thought of where he was heading and why.

Maybe it was because at that point he had given into the need, no longer wondering about what it meant. Only knowing there would be some kind of relief from the churning inside of him once he got to his destination.

Every night for three weeks he had followed this path, let himself give in because in the end it really wasn't a choice. Every night until tonight. A sudden, mind blowing thought stopping him dead in his tracks in the middle of the park.

_What if I'm making this worse...for both of us?_

It was enough for him to seek out the nearest bench, uncertain if he could remain standing past the thought. He leaned forward, putting his head in his hands and stared at the ground beneath his feet.

What if he was making it worse? What if his nightly visits were unwanted, even resented?

He could see how that was a possibility. His presence even for as brief as he kept it could be seen as a reminder of what had happened.

How would he know?

They had yet to talk about it, never hinted at anything being less than normal between them. Around the others they both seemed dead set on continuing to keep things as they had been. He had to admit around them the signs were small that he picked up on, so small that they could have been easily attributed to something else.

A silence that lasted a little to long. A movement halted before it had fully been realized. An intensity of alertness that was to direct for the situation.

All small signs but he could identify them and it tore at him each time he forced himself not to react to them.

_This is insane..._

He should go back home. He should go crawl into his bed and suffer through another sleepless night without finishing this usual trek. He should find some way, though it felt entirely impossible, to let this nightmare go.

He remained on the bench, staring at the ground.

The sound of light footsteps approaching did not surprise him. Somehow he had known if he did not show up in a certain time frame the other person would come looking for him, driven by the same undeniable, desparate need for assurance.

"Yusuke?"

It was amazingly deceptive, the soft voice that spoke his name. It was at odds with the person it belonged to though it was a perfect expression of who this person was internally. It was also the most soothing sound for him. It was a steady, real sound. This voice was one that he needed to hear.

He could not help himself.

He dropped his hands, raising his head to look into the dark pools of Kurama's eyes.


	2. Two and Four

Two and Four.

Kurama had become almost obsessed with the numbers recently. Looking down into Yusuke's haunted eyes they came flaring back into life for him.

Most people were under the misguided impression that they wanted to know their limits. That it would strengthen their drive, their abilities to know every nuance of their character. They lived in idealistic havens where it would not affect them adversely to know such things.

_Even if the known quality is something others would find to be a good, admirable one there is always a price to be paid for such knowledge._

The price hung between him and Yusuke. A living, breathing thing that drew them towards one another and separated them completely.

Before the events three weeks ago Yusuke Urameshi had been a close friend, one of very few he had in this world. He treasured the unique connection they shared. He knew what a truly rare gift such a friendship represented. One without a moments hesitation, devoid of the small slivers of distrust common within even his friendship with Hiei.

To fully trust someone there had to exist the inability to foresee events that might lead to betrayal. He was no fool. There were such roads that could lead to exactly that with the fire demon no matter how close they were.

He trusted Yusuke simply because of his lack of artifice. What you saw on first glance was exactly what you got with the spirit detective. Of course his glance was a bit more insightful then the casual observer. What would have been dismissed by most was what his eye caught unerringly. Yusuke had been entirely trustworthy which had led to his initial interaction with him.

Since then he had relaxed into the developing friendship in ways he would not have if it had been offered in the demon world. He had never regretted that decision. Until recently that is.

_I caused this. There is no one else who can be blamed for what has been done to the both of us._

Two and Four.

It had been irrational fear that had driven him from his bed and out into the streets. The distinct lack of the familiar presence he had grown use to and to his constant shame almost dependent on. Upon entering the park he had been relieved to see Yusuke on the park bench even as a tendril of dread slipped through him, slowing his steps.

He had known it was coming, felt it stirring in the air between them when they were together. The confrontation that would either end their friendship entirely or start their healing process. He was already resigned to the fact that it had to happen. That it had been set in motion the instant they were free of the circumstances that had so traumatized the both of them.

Knowing that did nothing to assuage the trepidation. In truth he could not imagine not having Yusuke as a friend. If anything could destroy their connection it was this.

It was with this thought in mind that he called out his name.

The silence between them lengthened, became heavy with anticipation. The kind that held both relief and venom in its diaphanous form. Finally Yusuke lowered his head, going back to staring at the ground.

"Sit down Kurama I'm to tired to look up at you."

He complied with the request, purposefully placing space between the two of them. Yusuke turned his head, his lips quirking in an unfamiliar smile as he noted the careful arrangement. For a heartbeat he thought of moving closer, of changing what could have been seen as an insult when in fact it was more self preservation then anything else.

"You sleeping okay?"

He almost laughed at the question, refraining at the last second because he knew it would have a bitter quality to it.

"No but you were already aware of that." he replied letting some of the amusement he felt show on his face, "You have a distinct energy."

"Sorry," Yusuke muttered rubbing his hands together slowly, "I'm not trying to stalk you or anything."

"I see no need for apologies Yusuke. I came looking for you because you never showed. I have no chance of sleep until after you have."

The admission was more than he had intended, a slip that would never have happened before. A hold over from the things still lurking inside of him, still pulling as they swam dark and predatory in his mind. As if it had been waiting for him to think those things it grabbed at him, yanking him from his surroundings.

_**...his hands were burning...he could feel the searing agony of the coals, smell the stench of his skin as it cooked...**_

Pressure on his arm brought him back to reality with a snap that left him momentarily dazed. Dark brown eyes searched his almost frantically. He mentally backpedaled pulling air into his lungs slowly as he regained his equilibrium.

Yusuke had a tight grip on his forearm. That had been the pressure he had reacted to. His felt it again, that shame of someone baring witness to his weakness. The warmth that flushed his cheeks, the sensation of needing to be anywhere but on this bench with Yusuke. His jaw clenched as he lowered his eyes.

"That's still happening? I thought..."

"It is not that simple to put those things aside." he interrupted firmly pulling his arm from Yusuke's now gentle grasp, "I think it's best if you just walked away Yusuke."

A strange sound came from the young man bringing his attention back to him. He was reminded yet again how volatile Yusuke actually was. How quickly he could change from one emotion to the next without blinking.

"Don't you ever fucking say something like that to me again Kurama." Yusuke ground out between clenched teeth, "You came here not the other way around."

"It was a mistake." he responded moving to rise.

He gained his feet before Yusuke's voice stopped him.

"So...that's it. You're just going to keep running away."

Running? He wished it were as simple as that. What was it that Yusuke had said that first day?

"_Can't you have normal enemies?"_

It almost made him laugh as it had then. The answer was simple of course. No, Youko Kurama could never have normal enemies. He had been a renowned thief of extraordinary talent that he had practiced at every opportunity he found. The more difficult the task the more delight he had found in achieving his goal. Add to that his skill in fighting, the extent of resentment from others less skilled. No, normal enemies were not something he acquired.

He had been made time and again aware of how his connections to the human world could be used against him. Shiori was a favorite threat of his enemies. Time and again he had found ways around those threats leaving behind a well known fact that threats such as those would be met with harsh retribution.

This time however he had failed. His past had come to ensnare him once again only this time there had been no way out for the one used against him. This time Yusuke had paid the price for something he had at one time felt a sense of pride in. To be hated to that degree, to be so sought after because of his skill had once been a heady experience.

He wanted more than anything for Yusuke to hate him even though he dreaded the actuality of it. If only he would hate him then maybe he could get past the experience. If Yusuke could despise him for getting him involved then maybe Yusuke could walk away without a backward glance and leave him to the desolation that threatened every time he let his guard down.

"I can't do it," Yusuke muttered darkly though his voice was roughened with other emotions, "I can't just...leave you like this. Don't think I haven't wanted to? Don't you think I would do anything not to feel this way?"

"I can't begin to tell you how sorry I am for..."

Yusuke was suddenly in front of him, his eyes blazing with intense emotions. He had his arm cocked back, hand fisted tightly.

_Do it! I deserve this and more!_

For a few tension filled moments Yusuke held that pose, ready to strike him. He made no move. He would not defend himself against Yusuke's rage. It would shatter the illusion, strike the last nail into the coffin of their friendship. If that was the price then he was willing to pay it if it gave the other young man some peace of mind.

Yusuke lowered his arm with a heavy sigh, "I feel like I cheated on her. Like I'm still cheating on her. I know that's not...it isn't the same but it is. I know it's not your fault. I know its because of...of what we went through but I...I can't always tell the difference Kurama. I can't always tell if the reason I have to check on you is because of that or because of something else. It feels like its something else sometimes and I fucking hate myself for it."

Two and Four.

That was how much it took to unravel everything they thought they knew about each other. To leave them in a state of ambiguity as to what they were to each other. To unmake and remake them into strangers that knew to much about the other.

Two days and four visits.


	3. Captured

_**Three weeks earlier:**_

"How much farther?"

Kurama glanced at him, the corner of his mouth lifting in familiar amusement, "Five minutes less then the last time you asked Yusuke."

Yusuke rolled his eyes, shoving aside the newest round of bushes they were traveling through with more stealth then he would have managed when they first met. Which still meant by comparison with Kurama's easy grace he was crashing through them like a bull elephant, just a quieter one.

_Okay so like a gorilla instead of elephant. Bastard makes it look way to easy. Going through bushes isn't fucking quiet. They hit back._

To prove his thought correct a branch he had just pushed out of the way slipped out of his hand and smacked him squarely on the nose. He rubbed at the slight sting, throwing a glare at Kurama for the soft sound of mirth that had escaped him.

Hiei was supposedly scouting ahead of them somewhere. Though privately Yusuke suspected the fire demon was taking a nap in one of the many trees of the densely forested area they were moving through. Kuwabara traveled on the other side of him annoyingly quieter than he was being. It was a cosmic joke that the so much larger man could move almost as silently as Kurama. Yusuke could take him in a fight but when it came to sneaking Kuwabara had somehow managed to be better at it then him.

"Don't people believe in paths anymore?" Yusuke muttered annoyed.

"This is not a well traveled area." Kurama supplied ducking gracefully under some of the foliage, "We should reach thinner areas soon."

"Aww is Urameshi getting his wittle face scratched up by the big, bad bushes?" Kuwabara taunted.

_I knew he saw that!_

"Kiss my ass." he returned shoving more branches aside, "It's a damn fine face. I have to protect my assets. You wouldn't understand that kind of thing."

"What's that supposed to mean?!" Kuwabara snapped.

"Now Kurama has to worry about it but not you." He went on blithely ignoring Kuwabara trying to warm up to the subject mostly out of boredom, "See guys as pretty as us have to careful. We can't just let things happen to the goods."

"Ha you called Kurama pretty!" Kuwabara pointed out grinning.

"Please leave me out of this conversation." Kurama requested with a sigh.

"I have to get my entertainment somewhere." Yusuke responded, "This sucks. I could have had a great weekend watching TV or going to anywhere else. Instead I'm here probably saving the fucking world again without even knowing it. I'm awesome like that."

Kuwabara snorted indelicately, "You're so full of it. You're doing nothing but grunt work like the rest of us."

They weren't being overly stealthy about their progress. It was supposed to be an easy scouting mission for the spirit world. Go in, check on some demon who was supposedly trying to get a portal open to let a small army into the human world, and get out with or without destroying said demon. Considering who they were Yusuke knew the ending of this little romp through the wilderness was a given. If Koenma had really wanted the demon to have a chance like life past their arrival he wouldn't have sent them.

_Yeah maybe if he sent just Kurama and Kuwabara but come on! With me and Hiei involved that just cinches the deal. He could have just had the balls to say "Go. Kill. Now."._

The information Koenma had given them put their target still a good day away from where they were at the moment. The ambiguous nature of just where this supposed soon to be portal was located had prevented them from using more convenient means of transportation. To be on the safe side they had stopped using campfires at night a few days prior.

He had been bored so of course he had jumped at the chance to do something, anything other then the nothing special of regular day to day stuff.

_Really got to stop doing that!_

He sighed inwardly, between the hiking and lack of sleep he wasn't exactly up for real back and forth with Kuwabara. He only seemed to sleep well after fighting, then he was dead to the world. Prolonged acts of hiking should have made it easy for him to sleep but unfortunately that did not occur to his body as he lay on the ground every night.

_Which explains last night. Total lack of sleep, suck ass food, and nothing else to look at._

It was not that he had never noticed before. Kurama was hard not to notice from the instant you saw him. Kurama was one of those people, male or female, that you just _**looked**_ at when they were around. There was something captivating in the features of the red head that Yusuke just did not have the vocabulary to do justice to in describing him.

All the words he might have used fell short of being able to give another person even an idea of the young man. In fact he would have told them to go have a look and tell him because he was constantly trying to figure it out. It had turned into a type of free time game for him, something to do when there was nothing else that came immediately to mind. Occasionally he would wonder what prompted him to be so centered on the odd activity but he would push the thought aside in favor of entertaining himself. He had been doing that for the entire time he had known the guy.

Last night he had been laying on his side, zoning really when he found himself staring at Kurama who was talking quietly with Hiei. It took nothing for his mind to start in on the game. Yusuke had found himself trying on the words that might describe him but as usual discarded each and every one of them.

At some point Kurama must have felt his eyes on him. Abruptly he had not just been studying Kurama but was instead locking eyes with his friend. Kurama did not break in his conversation with Hiei. Other than the eye contact his only reaction had been a delicately raised eyebrow, a question Yusuke knew he had no idea how to answer.

Yusuke had rolled onto his back to stare up at the stars, his heart thrumming from embarrassment at being caught in the act. He knew Kurama had continued to consider him for some time after. He definitely had confused the both of them with his attention.

_You'd think I'd get over the "find the right word" game by now..._

A bush slapping him across the cheek brought him out of his thoughts. He cussed under his breath, snapping the branch off the bush with a fair amount of sadistic glee. He resented nature as only a city boy could. Dirt he could handle, roughing it was okay for a short time but he much preferred his creature comforts.

"Hey guys hold up." Kuwabara called out.

Surprised Yusuke turned to see that Kuwabara had halted a good twenty feet back from his position. The large man was staring at the ground scowling. Kurama stepped up beside Yusuke trading confused looks with him.

That was when the sharp, agonizing pain had shot through his head. He thought he might have screamed. He thought there may have been some abrupt sense of vertigo that caused his legs to give out. He did not recall whether or not he actually hit the ground after that.

"Yusuke..."

His head was throbbing in time with some psycho dance beat that was backed up by twin ice picks twisting in his temples. Waking all the way up did not feel like a good plan. He was perfectly satisfied laying on the cool ground, moving as very little as was possible.

"Yusuke wake up."

"L' me lone." he gripped at the quiet voice though he did manage to move his arms, there was a strange weight to them.

"This is not the best time to be stubborn."

The warning note in Kurama's voice made him open his eyes which he promptly shut. Slowly, painfully he groaned his way onto his hands and knees.

"Where the hell are we?" he asked trying to get his bearings without encouraging the insane disco in his head to up the tempo.

He had gotten a brief glimpse of stone walls and dirt floor before having to shut his eyes against the lancing pain that had attacked from the meager light of torches. The weight on his wrists turned out to be shackles which he could imagine were fastened to a wall somewhere nearby. Where ever they were it was a bad situation to wake up to.

"A cell of some kind." Kurama answered.

He sat back on his legs and risked opening his eyes again, this time with more success and less shafts of laser pain. He was located against a side wall. Kurama was situated more towards the center, his hands shackled in front of him attached to a chain that was secured to the ground. It made his insides twist immediately, it would have been hard not to notice the way Kurama was positioned.

It was one of those things that had come along with long acquaintance with the fox demon. There never seemed to be an enemy of his that just wanted him dead. There was always something extra, something cruel and destructive in the way those people hated Kurama. He had admitted to himself a long time ago it made him worry about his friend knowing those people existed.

"Can't you make normal enemies Kurama?" he half growled before knowing he would say anything.

Kurama laughed softly, "I must admit I was wondering the same."

He shook his head carefully as he got his feet under him to rise. Four walls, one door, and a dirt floor. A cell was a perfect description of where they were. There was even a small barred window up in the far corner to complete the unnerving surroundings. There was no sunlight streaming in through the small opening which he assumed meant night had fallen while he had been unconcious. They had been in this place for hours then.

He tugged on one of the the chains he was attached to the nearest wall with. His shackles were different then Kurama's. One for each of his wrists allowing him some ease of movement where as Kurama's were much more restrictive. The chain was firmly anchored into the stone, there would be no breaking it loose without monumental effort if at all. He shifted, his body settling into the stance that would release his energy through his finger.

"Yusuke wait!"

Molten needles lanced through his entire body, dropping him to his knees with a strangled yelp. He remained there, staring at his hands. He had not actually felt the build up of his spirit energy. He was so use to it that he had assumed it was there. The pain had come at the same instant he would have released it.

"What...the...hell?" he breathed horrified by the lack of sensation.

"I should have warned you," Kurama ventured sounding apologetic, "I had much the same reaction when I tried to use my energies. Something here is interfering with it. This will not be an easy escape I'm afraid."

"I should hope not. I took special care in setting up for you Kurama."

He was on his feet in an instant.

A male demon leaned against the door frame of the now opened cell door. It's full attention centered on Kurama.

Yusuke's fighter trained eyes immediately noted all the particulars. A lean frame, built more for speed than strength. Though he knew with demons that did not necessarily mean there was a lack in the strength department. Shoulder length dark brown hair. He wore a basic vest and pants, brown like his hair. Clothing that was in no way showy. Dark eyes that held that almost dead quality to them he had seen in the eyes of those that were bored due to lack of real challenge. That in itself made his insides twist harder, that look put the demon into the upper echelons of dangerous as far as he was concerned.

A clawed hand went up to resettle a few stray strands of hair from the demon's face as he studied Kurama completely ignoring Yusuke.

Was it just his imagination or had Kurama paled?


	4. Orochi

_Orochi..._

He schooled his expression into one of light interest though internally he had become abruptly concerned at the sight of the demon. In a way it was flattering. Orochi was highly sought after and cost dearly to employ as an assassin. There was a reason for that. Employing Orochi to kill an enemy meant knowing that person would suffer exquisitely before death. He was no typical assassin, the contracts Orochi took on specifically called for torture.

His eyes cut to Yusuke. The young man was scowling at both of them thankfully for once holding his tongue. It was to soon to assume much of anything even with the directed placement of the two of them.

Orochi's presence did explain at least the subduing of his energies. He had been a bit more cautious when he had attempted to gather them gaining only a short spike of hot pain before abandoning the effort.

He tensed as Orochi's energies filled the room. It washed over everything. He was mildly surprised that he could sense it, feel it as it wafted through him. There was the smallest sensation of something giving way inside of him before his awareness of it abruptly disappeared. Disturbed he kept his attention centered on the assassin.

"Tell me, how did you manage this?" he asked throwing out a line to see what he could catch.

Orochi smiled pleasantly, "A matter of skill fox. I won't bore you with the details. Let's just say you keep very...specific company."

"You were not tracking me." he reasoned letting a corner of his mouth lift, "Original."

"It took some time but I knew eventually you would come. I must admit I have more then a marginal respect for you. It was one of the reasons I accepted the terms of the contract." Orochi shared studying him.

"Someone going to clue me in here?" Yusuke demanded.

"This is Orochi Yusuke." Kurama introduced the assassin as if they were friends, "he is well known in the demon world. Almost as well as I am. Though I must admit I'm surprised you could find your way to this side of the barrier."

"Friends in high places fox. For every rule there is an exception. You aren't the only demon to learn to suppress their energies in order to achieve what you want. As for being well known, my reputation proceeds me in every world just as yours."

"How ambitious of you. There is a purpose for all of this?"

"Right to the heart of the matter." Orochi said approvingly, pushing himself away from the door frame and approaching him, "Of course you of all people would understand immediately what it would mean to be in this situation with me as your jailer..."

"I don't!" Yusuke snapped.

Kurama stilled as Orochi smiled at him, ignoring Yusuke's words in favor of watching his reaction.

"You didn't think I brought your friend just for your company did you?"

"You seem very sure of yourself." he said carefully trying to gauge what Orochi might do next.

"I've spent awhile studying you." Orochi conceded moving to walk around him, "Your friend here is one of your weaknesses. But I find myself in a unique circumstance with you."

"I'm sure you'll elaborate."

"While the contract for your death was paid in full the demon that hired me no longer lives. He was well aware that it would take time to capture you but your death was very important to him. Since his death I've found myself free of the constraints of the contract itself but never free of the idea of what you represent. Tracking you, studying you has been a truly intriguing experience. You are such a puzzle to me." Orochi admitted stopping in front of him, "Tell me when you merged with this human soul did it ever occur to you that it might make you doubly as vulnerable?"

"There was little choice at the time." he said cautiously.

"No I suppose there wasn't," Orochi murmured watching him, "just as I have little choice but to see my considerable curiosity through to its end. I have a proposition for you Kurama. One that I'm positive you'll agree to once you know all of its nuances."

There was danger in Orochi's words, a threat that chilled him as the demon's eyes flickered towards Yusuke then back to his. His thoughts ceased as Orochi reached out a hand and he felt the tips of Orochi's fingers on his jaw. He had not anticipated for Orochi to do so. He tensed as his body began to hum with Orochi's energies.

"Distracting I know," Orochi said softly into his ear, having moved closer, "I want you to have a full idea of what you'll be agreeing to. Just a taste Kurama of the things I have in store for you..."

_**He was someplace dimly lit. Behind him, he knew there was something terrible waiting for him. He wanted to deny the urge that was already turning him to face in that direction.**_

_**Yusuke was laid out on a table, his arms bound above his head. His face already twisted in pain. Orochi stood over him, leering at Kurama as he sank his claws into Yusuke's chest. Blood poured from the wounds as Yusuke screamed...**_

He came to himself breathing heavily. Fear and disgust warred with each other, racing through his mind. Orochi's fingers burned with icy agony along his jaw.

A taste? How was he to defend against that?!

Orochi's other hand appeared in his sight, a key held between the clawed thumb and forefinger. He made no move towards the key, instead keeping his eyes fixed on Orochi's as he struggled to regain his mental equilibrium.

"The proposition." he prompted knowing it sounded strained.

Orochi smiled, "I keep you here for exactly two days. You endure four of my special sessions with your sanity intact. I let you and your friend leave and never bother you again."

"And if I fail?"

"My previous contract will be filled because you will be dead, my curiosity will be sated. Your friend goes free."

"His presence is required beyond just a simple cage for me." he reasoned shoving aside the instant stab of dismay, "He is needed as a witness to what you do to me."

"Providing the right circumstance for your fall requires that. You shield those you care about most from the imperfections of your character. Give me some credit Kurama. I am a professional after all."

Several options went through his mind but he discarded each one because of their failure to achieve anything close to freedom for either of them. Orochi had given him little to work with which in its own way was impressive.

"I have your word that no matter what occurs Yusuke goes free?" he asked frowning.

"Hey wait a damn minute!" Yusuke shouted.

"I have no need for him. As an added incentive I will restrict my...touch to you alone."

It was the last thing that would have kept him from agreeing fully to what Orochi wanted. The assassin knew him, knew this would tip the scales in favor of his plans. He tilted his head in agreement. Orochi eyes shined as he offered the key again.

"Free your hands fox."

His hand shook as he reached up for the key and did as he was instructed. There was no choice but to do as Orochi wanted at this point. The other was still touching him. He had no idea how fast Orochi could react, plummet him back into that place.

The shackles fell to the ground with a heavy sound. He refused to rub at the chaffed skin of his wrists. This was not the time to lose focus. There was Yusuke to consider in everything he did, in every reaction he had. There was no room for mistakes.

"I wouldn't suggest trying to remove your friend's chains. It may just lead to his death. This room in particular is set up to contain him. I have no intention of chaining you Kurama. At any time you can leave of your own volition. Of course that would mean you will have to leave him behind under my...care."

"What is to stop me from killing you?"

Bravado really. He had no intention of attacking Orochi, his demonic energies had been to well suppressed along with Yusuke's spirit energy by whatever warding the assassin was using. Orochi was relying heavily on his loyalty to Yusuke. He had picked a very solid trap for Kurama by doing so.

"You don't have the energies to." He could feel the pleased menace from Orochi as if it were a living thing communicated through their bodies contact, "In fact you won't be able to generate such until after the two days have gone by."

Orochi finally removed his hand from his jaw. He remained still, resisting another urge that passed through him to wipe away the chilled touch on his skin. There was a certain sense of violation that the demon's touch instilled, it made him feel soiled.

"We'll begin in the morning," Orochi threw over his shoulder as he walked away, pausing to look back at Kurama at the door, "I must say I haven't felt this much excitement for my work for a long time. I've never had a victim last more than two times. I do hope you meet my expectations Kurama."

With that Orochi disappeared through the doorway, shutting the door behind him. He stood there for a moment considering the innocent looking wood then wandered over to the wall Yusuke was chained to before sitting down.

"What are you doing?! Get the hell out of here!" Yusuke yelled at him.

"Orochi is a well trained assassin Yusuke. The idea that nothing would happen to me if I left the room is without merit. It would probably ensure your death as well as mine at the same time. No one hires Orochi without intending for him to kill." he explained meeting his eyes, "This is not the time to start trusting the words of demons."

Yusuke seemed to deflate, running a hand over his head, "So what then?"

"Until I can discover a way around Orochi...you need to prepare yourself."

Yusuke blew out a breath then joined him on the floor, kicking irritatedly at the chains as they got in his way. Silence filled the cell as both of them became wrapped up in their thoughts. Kurama found himself leaning towards Yusuke until their shoulders touched, the solid feel a welcome anchor for the fear that Orochi had caused in him.

"His fingers...they disappeared into your face."

He glanced at the young man, "Orochi's technique is sought after because he has the ability to manipulate souls."

"Okay...maybe I'm over thinking this but don't you have like two of those?"

"In a way," he agreed startled by Yusuke's insight, "I'm certain that is the reason he is so centered on me. He can do things to souls while they are still in the body."

"So when he did that?"

It took less then a second for him to decide what to answer with.

"I...wasn't anywhere. I suppose it was his way of creating one of my hells. I'm not fond of the feeling of being out of control and that is exactly what that was in every sense."

Another silence.

"I have to watch him do that to you."

"I'm sorry Yusuke."

He wished he had some words of comfort he could offer. There were no particular ones that sprang to mind. This situation had not occurred to him before. He did not want Yusuke to have to be subjected to what he would be. The harm it could cause the young man mentally was weighing heavily on him as he stared at the far wall. He hoped the trade off, him being Orochi's victim instead of Yusuke as well, would in some way help to shield the worst of it away from Yusuke.

"I liked you better when you didn't talk so much."

This brought a smile to his lips. Only Yusuke would pout because he was talking instead of keeping his own counsel.

"Would you rather I stayed silent?"

"No."

He sighed internally, "You think I'm pretty?"

It was not exactly fair to take advantage of the slip in meaning but he knew they both needed a distraction. That was the first thing that came to mind. Yusuke laughed beside him.

"Everybody thinks that."

That answer brought his attention back to Yusuke. It was a little blunt even for him. He had expected some type of denial with more or less passion then was necessary. That would have been the normal reaction from Yusuke.

_He's worried..._

"Yusuke..."

"I think being threatened with watching my friend being tortured and killed gets him a couple of honest answers." he interrupted glancing at him and then away, "It's not like you don't know it anyway."

"Actually no." he admitted a little surprised, "Not a word I would have chosen."

"Me neither but..."

Yusuke shrugged.

Kurama leaned back, resting his head on the wall of the cell. He was not sure how he felt about the term pretty. His preference would have been attractive if he had a say in the matter. Demon core or not he was just like everyone else in those simple emotions. Age had nothing to do with the want to be desirable.

_Yusuke thinks I'm pretty. How awful for him..._


	5. One

Yusuke grit his teeth as he pushed himself up onto his hands and knees again. The psycho disco beat was back in full swing, hacking away at him relentlessly and was thoughtful enough to invite its ice pick friends back for his temples.

He had known it was a bad idea.

He had known it was going to knock him on his ass.

He had done it anyway.

_I just couldn't take it anymore. I couldn't take what that bastard was doing..._

True to his word Orochi had appeared that morning in the cell, a bemused smile on his face. Kurama had actually gone towards him willingly after putting a steadying hand to his shoulder as he passed. As if he was the one who needed the support.

Neither had said a word to the other. The two had stood there facing each other, torturer and victim. That had been bad enough, watching that stand off. Knowing what was going to come next. Knowing there was nothing he could do to stop what was about to happen.

Orochi had reached out one of his hands, placed it over where Kurama's human heart would have been and tilted his head. Kurama's entire body had tense, his hands fisting at his sides as Orochi's fingers became indistinct and drifted into his chest.

Nothing he had experienced before had prepared him for dealing with any of this. The way Kurama had closed his eyes, the ripple of his jaw, the tremors that began to pass through his body making Yusuke's body ache with sympathetic reaction. He wasn't prepared for the reality of it even though Kurama had told him the previous night to do so.

But how did you prepare yourself for something like that?!

Even when Orochi had circled around Kurama embracing him from behind, his other hand sinking into the tense form that had not been the worst. That had made him surge against his shackles, disgusted and insulted for Kurama's sake, with the additional physical contact. He had roared at Orochi, demanded he let Kurama go but had been ignored.

That in itself had proven how utterly powerless he was in this situation. How devastatingly useless his presence could be. It was a humbling experience that he had never had brought so blindingly into his awareness before that moment.

And that was still not the last layer of the entire scope of the hell he had been introduced to through Orochi.

The worst, the thing that brought him to his limit, came when Kurama began to make sounds of anguish. Nothing loud, just small escapes of breath that caught and stuttered. The smallest of strained grunts. The barest whisper of something close to whimpers.

Beyond that came one of the most horrific concepts he had ever had, he began to wish Kurama would scream, shout, anything other then those pathetic, stifled utterances. It was almost like Orochi was holding it in for him, denying him that release.

He could not bear those sounds. They may have been small but to him they were overly loud, each one ripping into him. Every sound a testament to how he could do nothing to stop what was happening. That he was the reason Kurama suffered because maybe just maybe if he had not been caught to Orochi would have been more inclined to kill then torture. Maybe just maybe Kurama would have risked going through the unlocked cell door.

Thinking that only made the guilt sink deeper, allowed him to realize there was so many more layers to any one given hell then he was previously aware of.

Who thought that kind of thing? Who would wish someone would kill their friend instead of torturing them?

At least being tortured meant there was a chance he could live through it. If anyone one could it would be Kurama. He had never seen Kurama fail. He had absolute faith that if anyone could do this, could endure mental attacks it was the fox demon.

Except...maybe he didn't. Maybe it was better to die then have to live through what he was imagining Kurama was experiencing.

He hated himself for thinking that way.

He tried to block it out. He turned his back to the scene, covered his ears but even then those small sounds chased him. They clawed at his mind. He lasted longer then he thought he would. The guilt and anger building inside of him until he thought he would explode from the strength of holding them back.

Then he had turned towards Orochi and...

_It was stupid. So stupid to try..._

He was not exactly Mr. Thinking Things Through, no one had ever accused him of that. In fact it was a familiar joke with his friends. Only he had thought, there had been a reason behind his actions. There had been a strangling need that he had not been able to deny.

"You attempted your spirit gun."

Gentle, understanding and it broke his heart. He did not answer as he shifted into a sitting position and cradled his head in his hands. He could not look at him, not with the overwhelming guilt that was still passing through him, threatening to suffocate him. He heard Kurama shift and then strong fingers began to kneed at the back of his neck.

"What..."

"Be quiet Yusuke." Kurama half snapped from behind him, "this isn't just for you. I'm having difficulties discerning...I need something real to touch."

He risked a glance behind at Kurama's face. The red head seemed lost in thought, only the lift of his eyebrows a sign that he was in distress. He let it go at that facing forward. If he could serve a purpose he guessed being used for reality confirmation was useful.

Still he could not shake the sense that Kurama was offering comfort to him though Kurama had been the one tortured.

"You're mad at me?"

The fingers stopped for a second, "No, I should have expected it."

"Damn right you should have."

"That does not make it any less foolish. You are aware of that fact?"

"Give me a break Kurama." he growled relaxing under the steady pressure that was easing his headache, "You do realize who you're talking to right?"

It did not elicit the laugh he had hoped. Instead Kurama's fingers disappeared from his neck. He brought his head up, moving so he could look at him.

"I'm sorry you had to watch." Kurama offered staring at one of his hands for a second before fisting it lightly and letting it fall against his leg, "I'm sorry for all of this."

A tremor went through his slighter frame. One of his hands went up to grip his arm and to Yusuke it seemed as if he were trying to hug himself, hold himself in.

"Hey I'm supposed to be the reality," he insisted waving his hand out in front of Kurama who blinked as if just waking from something.

Kurama glanced at him uncomfortable, "I...Orochi's methods are much more effective then I gave him credit for."

"Yeah? Like how much more effective?" he demanded frowning, his concern growing as Kurama's hand visibly tightened on his arm, "Come on..."

"It was only an hour I think," Kurama answered another shiver going through him, "Only an hour..."

The words died away, his face gaining that far off look to it again only this time there were traces of pain. Alarmed Yusuke grabbed a hold of his hand. Kurama jerked at the sudden pressure, his eyes coming into sharp, intense focus. He kept his grip on Kurama's hand as the other tried to pull away.

Both of them froze at the same time, their eyes locking. It had been pure impulse that had caused him to act and it was pure emotion that caused him to freeze. Something he could only describe as anguished relief slipped through him from the physical contact. On the heels of that was the realization that he had just broke the Kurama barrier, that undefined space that he normally would have avoided out of respect for his friend's inclinations towards not being touched.

_So what?! _He growled at himself as his mind added almost as an afterthought that he was now holding hands with a guy. _So what if I am?! Does it matter?! How is this any different then any other fight?!_

He automatically knew there was about a dozen answers that went against that particular argument but he shoved them aside angrily. Kurama was watching him almost guardedly, as if he were expecting some kind of attack. He purposefully ignored the implications of that in favor of the original reason he had latched onto his friend. The other stuff, the thinking could wait till some other time.

"Talk. To. Me." he insisted carefully enunciating each word, "Why are you all over the place?"

"I can feel it...not like before but I can still...feel the wounds underneath everything...pulling at me. It's difficult to keep myself focused past it."

There it was again, the tremor to his voice, the words that seemed almost right but were not exactly the way Kurama normally spoke. The answer had come to quick as well. For as long as he had known Kurama there had always been a pause before he spoke, as if he formed the complete idea before he said anything at all.

"This helps? Me touching you?" he asked squeezing the hand he held.

The red head nodded solemnly, "It's outside of me."

"Guess our relationship just upped a notch." he grinned.

Now the soft laugh did come easing some of the fear collecting inside of him. Kurama even managed a smile though it did not fully touch his eyes.

_Only once and he's this messed up. What's he going to be like after the second time? Didn't that bastard say most don't last past that?_


	6. Two

"...kurama..."

_He was floating. He enjoyed the sensations of it. The hovering beyond everything that so readily attacked him the instant he was anywhere near consciousness. This though, this was empty of that. This place beyond the expectation, the pain, the constant watchfulness. Nothing to guard against, just floating and nothing more._

"...come on...kurama..."

_A familiar voice calling him out of the grey. It should not be so full of concern. He was where he wanted to be for now. He never rested very long, there was always something calling to him. Someone demanding his attentions. Always some reason to crawl from the grey but not yet. Please just not yet..._

_**...thin blades ripping into his fingers, the skin peeling away, blood flowing...**_

His eyes snapped open for a moment, a sharp breath drawing in dirt from the ground. The taste of it harsh and gritty, devoid of life.

_He fell willingly into it, escaping the rush of agony. There was nothing to warrant wakefulness. Here was peaceful and if not that at least oblivion was better. He did not want to..._

_**...the claws plunged into his back, ripping, tearing, he could feel them moving inside of him...**_

"Wake the hell up!"

His eyes opened again, blurred, refocused. His hand lay inches from his face.

_No...blood..._

His hand moved of its own volition, twitching against the dirt of the ground.

How had he ended up there?

He shifted his body, moving slowly as dual sensations hit him. The first, more powerful one interior yet more vibrant full of white hot agony. The second, dimmer yet compelling the feel of the ground beneath him small rocks cutting into his hand.

He managed to push himself up, gain a knee under him. He stared at the ground in disbelief.

_There...should be blood..._

He was certain of that. The ground beneath him should be soaked with it. The things Orochi had done to him could not possibly have left no mark. He could feel the wounds. Where Orochi had picked him up, digging his claws into him.

_**...feel them moving inside of him. And Orochi's sadistic pleasure through it all, the warped feel of his enjoyment a violation against his skin...**_

"Damn it look at me!"

His head turned at the sound of Yusuke's desperate anger. At the end of his shackles, standing not to far from him. Not to far but perhaps farther than he was able to move, it seemed like an impossible thing closing the distance between them.

His arms shook as a sharp tremor slipped through him. His breath caught as the imagined agony spread through the motion. He let it pass, regained his breath though it struggled against him.

_**...searing pain ripping through his chest as Orochi burned his skin with hot knives...**_

"Open your fucking eyes!"

Had he closed them?

He did as he was told because the alternative was to remain with the image of his flesh burning under Orochi's implements. He needed something to focus on, something outside of himself.

Yusuke.

He forced his body to move, to gain his feet. It cost him, the moment he was fully erect he almost went back down. The world swam with haze and bright lights, vertigo threatened to pull him back to the place he had just left. The moment passed though it did not take with it the strain of pushing past the pain he was in.

_It..isn't real..._

The dual sensations disagreed with him, making his progress slow as he made his way over to his team mate. His feet tangled in the last step throwing him off balance and into Yusuke who caught him up in his arms. The pressure of his arms, his chest chased the worst of the sensation back. It seemed to cause some sort of release from the heavy blanketing of the inner pressures. He allowed himself to collapse.

Yusuke maneuvered them both to the wall where he sat them down. Not once did he release the embrace. He only rearranged them so he could lean back against him. Unfortunately the continued pressure did not clear his mind completely.

_Is he driving me insane as well?_

"Who ever said you were light lied." Yusuke said into his ear.

"I...I'm alive."

It was shocking to him to realize that. He had been certain he would not live through the second visit. The first had brought a terrifying realization. Orochi could kill him. After all the things he had been through, all the enemies, the tournaments it would be Orochi that would be his end. There was no escaping the assassin, not without to much risk of Yusuke's life.

"Yeah but you do a great impression of a dead guy."

It was a poor joke. The way his voice shook with relieved strain spoke volumes of his state of mind. A shiver coursed through him, the arms around him tightened for a heartbeat then relaxed. He did his best to still his mind, to not think of the position he was in or of the reasons behind his own clashing thoughts. Knowing that Yusuke's normal displays did not lend to this only added to his confused mixture of emotions concerning the entire matter.

"Talk to me." Yusuke insisted jolting him from the trail of thoughts he had begun down, "Are you still...here?"

Tactfully put for the type of comments usual for Yusuke. The effort was appreciated though since he had doubts in that area himself.

"Yes...this is helping." he offered uncomfortably.

"What? This?" his arms tightened slightly, "I've been looking for a way to cop a feel off you."

His sanity was dependent on a hormonal young man who let anything and everything past his mouth without checking with his mind first.

"Coping a feel off a man is different then a female Yusuke." he returned, his voice to light even to his ears.

That was easier than trying to think, following Yusuke's line of thought was always easier.

"Yeah I know but I can't reach your ass." Yusuke replied with humor in his voice.

It amazed him how quickly he could slip from one emotion to the other without pause. From fear and anxiety to playful banter in the blink of an eye. He should have expected this reaction as well. Yusuke was predictable in these things.

His breath caught as another shiver ripped through him. Again the arms around him tightened, as if Yusuke was trying to hold him together. When it subsided, he concentrated on regaining his focus. The arms around him did not relax as they had before. He could feel Yusuke's breath on the side of his neck. He was no longer being simply held, this had turned into a sort of hug.

He put his hands lightly on Yusuke's wrists concerned, "Yusuke?"

"They aren't coming are they Kurama?"

His fingers curled as he stared at the wall opposite of them. Should he lie? They had discussed it last night. The possibility of Hiei and Kuwabara finding them before Orochi's plans could be played out fully.

"No I fear we are on our own." He answered truthfully for both of them, it filled him with dark resignation, "Orochi is to skilled to leave anything for Hiei or Kuwabara to follow. Though if they do won't it be interesting for them to find us this way?"

The arms relaxed as he had intended, a soft laugh coming from Yusuke. His face remained at the side of his neck.

"I'll have to make up some wild stories about you." Yusuke murmured.

"Not as if you could tarnish my reputation." he returned leaning back more fully.

The movement caused Yusuke to do the same, his face finally moving away. It helped to ease the small amount of tension that intimate breath was causing in him.

"Oh please you have no reputation."

"I'm more...discreet now." he replied closing his eyes, lulled by the warmth around him.

"Discreet huh?"

It should have alerted him, brought his attention to a focus. This strange circling of the same subject but his mind was elsewhere. He was exhausted, falling asleep without trying to. The feeling of being sheltered pulling him along without resistance.

"You wouldn't be the first to want to cop a feel," he found himself murmuring, "just one I trust not to..."

The warmth overcame him mid sentence and he sank willingly into it, safe where he was for the moment.

_He said what?!_

He felt Kurama's body relax in sleep still stunned by what he had said. He had not meant for the subject to keep going the way it had. It was just what popped into his mind. It was not his fault that holding him like he was caused that sort of thought process.

He leaned his head back against the wall. He had been so terrified when Orochi had let Kurama fall to the ground. For a full minute he was sure he was not breathing until his panicked mind had recognized that dirt was moving near his mouth. Then it had taken him screaming at Kurama for five minutes before he finally got a response.

He had never been so relieved as he had been when he wrapped his arms around Kurama. It was as if that was the only thing that could convince him he was still there, still alive.

Yusuke let his eyes wander to the side of Kurama's face he could see, the last comment replaying in his head. It might not have registered before with him, the turn of phrase. He supposed he should have known this type of intimacy, being held by someone else was uncomfortable for Kurama.

Strangely enough it did not bother Yusuke at all. He saw it as something Kurama required from him. The truth of the matter was he might need it as well. Holding the fox demon while he slept seemed more intimate than anything he had ever done before and he could not deny a certain amount of possessiveness mixed in with the overwhelming protectiveness stealing through him.

It should feel wrong. That mix of possessiveness towards Kurama. It wasn't something he had felt previously towards him. Protective yes, that went along with being friends with him. For some reason Orochi came to mind, his arms wrapped around the tortured form of Kurama causing that mix to flare heatedly in his chest.

Yeah he understood the trust involved with being held, the trust Kurama himself would be giving for anyone to be doing it. It was to easy in this position to be harmed, to be taken advantage of.

And maybe that was why his mind had started assigning possessive to this feeling. Maybe seeing Orochi holding Kurama, hurting him and not being able to kill the bastard had made him feel that way. As if Orochi were doing something only someone Kurama truly trusted should be doing and he had decided that meant him.

Maybe that was also why he felt such a strong need to touch Kurama. Trying in his own way to show that it did not always mean harm, that it could mean something else something closer to its real meaning.

But what did that mean? Why was it all of a sudden important to him that Kurama feel that way?

There was more to it. More that had everything to do with the agony in his head that was only just beginning to subside. That had to do with the acidic anger boiling inside of him that he did not want to think about but was anyway. That something made him feel as if he should not be touching Kurama, that he should be the very last person the fox demon trusted.

_My brain is seriously fucked up..._

He closed his eyes.

He had wanted Kurama to reassure him Hiei and Kuwabara were going to get to them. He had wanted all of this to stop moving towards the end he was beginning to imagine with an immense sense of horrified loss. He had wanted more than anything to stop feeling so horrendously useless.


	7. Deterioration

"I'm a coward."

Kurama turned his attention to Yusuke who had his head back against the cell wall. His eyes were staring sightlessly upward.

Sleep had helped chase some of the intrusive phantasmal pain away. The warm presence of Yusuke's hand on his back was an additional security though in his mind he was not sure who it was for. Yusuke seemed unable to not touch him, keeping at least some part of their bodies in constant contact since he had awaken.

He had noted this new development with a sense of guilt and concern for his friend. He at least understood it was Yusuke's way of reaffirming his continued presence. What more it might end up meaning was as ambiguous as the statement he had just made. The toll all of this was taking on Yusuke was obvious. It showed in the shadowed lines of his once youthful face, the knowledge of something horribly wrong that had yet to be fully defined.

"Why would you think that?"

Yusuke's eyes closed, an odd smile twisted his lips, "I did it again...tried to use my spirit gun."

There was a meaning to his words, one he would have ferreted out rather easily before coming to this place. Now he could only react, his heart falling slightly at the tone in his voice. His mind was simply to wrapped up, dulled by the attentions of Orochi.

"I'm afraid you'll have to be more forthcoming Yusuke. Contrary to what you and Kuwabara believe I am not a mind reader."

"I don't know how to do this. How to watch..."

He waited knowing it was not Yusuke's strong suit, putting his emotions into words like this. There was little he could do to help the process along. He was battling his own war against his emotions that were all to strongly pulling at him.

Yusuke lowered his head to stare at his hand, "I should be stronger you know? All the shit we've been through. I should be able to deal with this."

"That hardly makes sense." he censured gently, "Tournaments fights, any fight is different then being asked to watch someone you care for being hurt."

"You don't get it. I knew it was going to knock me out."

Self loathing. That was what he heard in the tone of voice, so new he had been unable to identify it because Yusuke had never expressed that before.

"Can you say with certainty that was all that was in your mind?"

_Please Yusuke let me pull you out of this..._

"I couldn't stand it. What he was...I couldn't...he was smiling...that bastard was smiling and I couldn't do anything! I wanted to...I just wanted it to stop..."

"You wanted a release. Tell me if you had been able to use your spirit gun what would have happened?"

He knew the answer, seeing it reflected on Yusuke's face only made the guilt dig in deeper.

"You would have died." was the answer whispered in shame.

"What impossible standard are you trying to live up to Yusuke? Kuwabara?"

A derisive snort, "He would have been a blubbery mess."

"Then perhaps Hiei?" a guarded glance that made little sense to him, "Or me?"

"You wouldn't..."

"Flattering as the thought is you overestimate me." he interrupted looking away disturbed by the truth of the matter, "I would no more be able to watch this then you are. I am not without compassion, more so since I became Suichi."

"Stop it."

"Stop?"

"Stop trying to make it okay! Stop trying to make me feel better! So what?! So what if part of me was hoping I could some how pull it off! So what if I had it in my fucking head that I could kill him and not you! That isn't the fucking point! I...damn it Kurama I just didn't want to listen to it anymore!"

The hand was taken away as Yusuke leaned forward putting his head in his hands. He turned more fully towards Yusuke. It was a hard truth to deal with, finding what you would consider a flaw in your character. Knowing that one of your actions was not entirely selfless, that it could have had dire consequences. Hind sight was twenty/twenty after all.

"Would it be better if I hated you for your action?"

"What?!"

"Would that ease your guilt?" he clarified, "Would you like me to tell you I despised you for it? I don't but if you need..."

"You're an ass."

"You're allowing yourself to wallow in something that is without blame. Self preservation is a valuable asset Yusuke. I of all people know that considering the lengths I have gone to in order to achieve it. Your guilt is misplaced. It was the last thing you thought of, not wanting to hear. You have only had enough time to realize what might have happened in the after math. I doubt very much your goal was to end my life."

"How do you know?"

"Do you want my death?"

"I don't want to watch it anymore. I don't want you having to..."

"Do you want my death?"

He almost flinched away from the fury in Yusuke's eyes.

"Fuck you Kurama."

"It's a simple enough question. Either you wanted me dead or that was something that occurred to you only after. You have an unfailing ability to charm luck from nowhere and if you had been successful it would have been a true success. But you weren't so you are searching for a way to hate yourself for your failure. Stupidity is not limited to thoughts during an event, it can be applied to those after as well."

Anger. He had not meant for it to color his words so intensely. He had not meant for his hand to fist as he spoke. He had not meant to lean forward full of tension so that Yusuke's entire demeanor changed into one of wariness.

The abrupt realization of this made him withdraw, the blood draining from his face.

_Being eaten away..._

_**...excruciating blades radiating through him as his ribs snapped under the pressure, unable to catch his breath, drowning in thick fluids...**_

Warm, immediate pressure brought him back into lucidity. Yusuke's emotion darkened eyes searching his face agitatedly.

When had they come so close to each other?

He forced himself to draw breath, to shake off the clinging impressions.

Yusuke's strong fingers held his chin, that had been the pressure he had responded to.

"I'm...here." he assured him wanting to ease the fear and concern he saw in those eyes.

Yusuke's jaw rippled before he released his hold on Kurama's chin.

One of his absolutes had just been shattered. Kurama, Mr. Calm, Cool, and Collected had just almost lost it. For a brief mind numbing moment he had the presence of mind to wonder why Kurama was channeling him all of a sudden. A much smarter version yes but he knew the type of anger that had just sprung from Kurama, knew it more intimately than anything else. Then he had realized it meant something else entirely. That it was a very _**bad **_thing for Kurama to lose his cool so suddenly.

The abrupt rage disappeared, replaced by that pained expression that heralded him losing touch with reality. Any other thoughts flew out of his mind except regaining Kurama's focus.

_How am I supposed to hold onto him like this?_

Another illusion followed the first a split second later.

One of the things he had imagined would be a wonderful thing, to be able to read Kurama as well as Hiei did. He doubted very much that Hiei had ever had the chance to watch the play of emotions across Kurama's face, be able to follow the thoughts that had to go along with those emotions.

He swallowed the terror that surfaced, forced it away like he had seen Kurama do. His friend was watching him with a different intensity then before, a hardness that had not been there a second ago. He braced himself. He knew that look. It meant unpleasant things were going through Kurama's head.

"Let me go Yusuke."

Had the world stopped? Had the air been taken out of the cell, out of his lungs? Was it just him or was there suddenly to much of everything pressing down on him trying to smother his entire being?

Emerald eyes to full of knowing sadness just held his, softening in ways that he wanted to dismiss because that intimacy was to real, to vital to actually acknowledge. It was Kurama fully and without reserve and it made his eyes sting, his heart wrench with anticipated sorrow.

"I've lived a long life..."

"shut up..."

"You don't have to take this on."

His eyes widened, "I don't _**have**_ to do a fucking thing! Except be here! I have to do that don't I?!"

"This is where I belong. What I've earned because of my past. This has nothing to do with you."

"Fuck you Kurama!"

"You are becoming very fond of saying that."

"You don't deserve this," he denied knowing they were to close, that he would do something impulsive in a second that might make things so much worse but not caring, "You don't get to tell me what to take on either. You don't get to just give up. This is just as much my fault as it is yours. I'm not stupid. He was tracking me to trap you. Why the hell did he do that? You're usually with Hiei not me!"

Now those eyes shifted away, "I would guess because I trust you."

"That doesn't make any sense." he snapped without thinking.

Kurama laughed softly, "It makes more sense then you realize. I've put my life in your hands a few times Yusuke and not always when I was aware I was doing so."

"So wh...oh"

It was the memory that stilled his words. He and Kurama on top of the hospital roof. The Forlorn Hope between them. Those insane energies surging around Kurama as he made his wish to save his mother's life. He hadn't thought twice about offering his own soul. In hindsight not the best split second decision of his life but it had worked out in the end.

Gaining a friend like Kurama had made it worthwhile.

"If it had been Hiei captured with me the affect would not be the same." Kurama went on patiently, "His views are different then yours or mine. It would enrage him but in the end this is set up to cause you just as much pain as it is to cause me pain."

"It embarrasses you huh?"

One eyebrow rose, that was the only response he got from the question so he pushed forward.

"Me watching all this."

"When he said I hide my flaws he was not lying."

"That's stupid. Where's the flaw?"

"I suppose it can't hurt to be honest." Kurama murmured staring at his hands, "not at this point."

There was a vague sense of resignation to the red head's words that chilled him a little. He was definitely not use to Kurama being like this. The fox demon was normally the one who found the ways around if they existed. If he was giving up even before the third time with Orochi then he was hiding more then Yusuke thought.

_And if he gives up then he won't live through it. What the hell am I supposed to do?! I can't just let him die!_

"Yes it embarrasses me." Kurama confirmed, "anything that touches on others being concerned for me does. I've never been able to fully get use to the idea. Even with Shiori it still...bothers me."

He tried. He honestly tried to keep the words internal. He tried not to say what immediately sprang to mind. He tried to shove them back down his throat even as he opened his mouth.

"Must suck then for me to be all over you."

The response was so shocking that for a full minute he could not speak.

As soon as the words were out Kurama's cheeks flushed brightly. It was so bizarrely surreal that Yusuke raised a hand, reaching out to touch the warm cheek trying to convince himself it was real. Kurama shied from the touch almost as if he had struck him, their bodies losing contact.

It was not just Orochi.

His breath caught, "You...you..."

It was not just Orochi, it was him as well. Both of them playing their part in the destruction of Kurama's control, in his losing his grip on himself. They were both to blame for this change, for the tremor that went through the red head's body even as he watched.

How had he missed that? How had he ignored such an obvious thing?

All this time Kurama was concerned for him, for his view of what was unfolding. He had been shoving the worst of the affects away for his benefit even though he was the cause of some of them.

"_As an added incentive I will restrict my...touch to you alone."_

Why would that matter? What did it mean that Kurama had so readily agreed after Orochi had offered that?

_He's suffering to keep you from having to. You're such a fucking idiot sometimes Urameshi!_

"What the hell are we doing to you?" he asked horrified.


	8. Exposure

"_What the hell are we doing to you?"_

Not "what is **he** doing to you?" but "what are **we** doing to you?".

The distinction tore at him, galvanized him to raise his head.

In the beginning it had been easy, simple to allow himself to accept Orochi's terms. To take on the agony of his touch and what it might entail. That had been before he had fully realized Orochi's fascination with him. Before he had pieced together the elements that he should have realized all along.

He had been truthful when he had said this experience was not about his pain alone. Orochi had studied him to well, found the inner weaknesses that he strove to hide from everyone. His shame over Yusuke's involvement had deepened taking on a life of its own in his mind. Without Yusuke Orochi's ministrations would not be half as effective.

Orochi's fascination was with his duality of soul in all of its aspects. Each touch of the demon's abilities forced it's way into the inner sanctity of where Suichi and Youko merged creating tears and rents that had not existed before.

He had imagined in doing so Youko would emerge but that was not the case. Not here under such heavily warded, controlled conditions. Instead he was finding Suichi more and more and his human side was not as well controlled as Youko or as he was being of both of them.

Vulnerable was not an aspect he had ever dealt with on this kind of level. Yes becoming Suichi originally, suppressing himself to the degree he did had made him that way physically. At the time it had been necessary, here in this atmosphere it took on a new and disturbing dimension. It was the last emotion he needed at the forefront of his thoughts. It was also the one that would not be controlled.

His emotions overwhelmed his reason to well. The blush had been a result of that. Thinking of it almost caused his cheeks to warm again. It was not a reaction typical for him. The cause was easy to reason out. The concern from Yusuke, the joke that had sent a rush of stuttering need through him, the turmoil that had caused realizing he could not reason out what he was needing, and the last second realization that it was directed towards Yusuke.

So he had blushed and then in the midst of all that Yusuke had touched him, that soft graze of fingertips had abruptly become an attack. He had shied from the touch, not just shied but jerked away from it as if burned.

He could not help but think he, as Kurama, was the one being destroyed in this dismal place.

But there were other things to think of now. Yusuke was blaming himself for what was happening to him, taking on the guilt he had been trying to keep from him earlier.

"You are not responsible for anything Yusuke." he said when he finally found his voice.

Yusuke's eyes widened in what could only be described as surprise, "Wow you suck at lying."

Curiously enough he was insulted by the statement, "What makes you say that?"

"I've never caught you in a lie before," Yusuke remarked frowning, "you're so fucked up you can't even do that. What else are you hiding?"

"I'm not hiding anything."

"Liar."

"Yusuke you have no idea what you're talking about."

"I don't?" Brown eyes flashed to his again, this time with anger and guilt, "I'm messing you up. It's not just the embarrassing thing. It's me."

Flashes of emotion went through him. Guilt. Shame. Anger. Confusion. All of them within a heartbeat, finally settling into something that vaguely resembled resentment though it was much closer to disturbed frustration.

"You think you have that much sway over me?"

Yusuke's eyes narrowed, "Yeah I think I do. I think that Orochi guy knew how you would act around me. That you'd try to keep things from me. I think he knew you wouldn't be able to and that would fuck you up even more. I think you really do hate being out of control and that's exactly how you feel right now. I think you're going to take a swing at me soon because that's what I would do. I'd be taking swings at the nearest dumb ass that pointed this shit out to me."

His hand ached. He glanced down confused by the sensation. At some point he had fisted both of his hands again. He had not even realized he was doing so until Yusuke pointed it out. Unsettled he stood, facing away from Yusuke.

He heard Yusuke shift, the sound of his chains announcing that he had stood as well. It was ludicrous. To be this wildly out of control that his own body was reacting before he was conciously aware of it.

"So what's it going to be?"

He looked over his shoulder at Yusuke, cocking an eyebrow in question. Yusuke rolled his eyes.

"You going to take a swing at me or are you going to tell me the truth?"

He folded his arms, "I won't attack you because of my lack of control."

"That's reassuring," Yusuke snorted, "that leaves telling me what the hell is really going on."

He opened his mouth then gasped, a shudder of phantom pain slipping through him. He tensed anticipating the loss of orientation, then stilled as Yusuke's hand clamping onto his arm chased the vertigo from him.

He forced himself to remain still, to analyze why he wanted to immediately jerk away from the necessary contact.

Humans were such a physical race. Shiori had made him well aware of that fact. In comparison demons were stunted in this area, unable to express simple thoughts and feelings through touch or simply unwilling to do so. He was not so certain which of those were the truth. Being aware of his demonic nature had left him in limbo when it came to these things.

When he had first become aware of a propensity towards actual expression through touch he had been somewhat confused. In the demon world being guarded at all times in those areas was second nature, instinctual. He had not imagined merging with a human soul would influence him so strongly as to develop a want to allow those instincts to be subverted. Nor had he thought he would develop a preference for it.

It was one of the many things Hiei felt a need to not only point out when he displayed it but was inclined to see as a weakness. It was a constant source of contention. Hiei's thoughts on the matter were clear. The fire demon would be much happier if he were to be Youko Kurama, a demon at all times instead of the frail human/demon Kurama that would embrace such weak behavior.

He disagreed that it was in any way a weakness even if it had not been an aspect of his demonic life.

While he enjoyed the hugs and gestures given by Shiori he was much more conservative in his methods of giving into the displays. Being held by another person was not something he was use to.

Being touched in the desparate, necessary way Yusuke's touch expressed while it mirrored his own need to be touched was almost to overwhelming to submit to.

"Your pain Yusuke...is vital to Orochi's plans." he said softly, "without it none of this would matter. You having to watch me suffer. What I see you suffering because of me. What you are forcing yourself to do to keep me sane."

"Okay you lost me again. I'm being forced?"

Annoyed he sighed heavily, "Yes. You are not what I would call a touchy person."

There was absolute, heavy silence from the young man behind him. He refused to look again. He refused to see that he was correct, that Yusuke felt revulsion at the close contact. It would only serve to increase the entirety of what was being done to him and to Yusuke.

"You know for a smart guy you're pretty fucking stupid."

Another sigh, "Why is that?"

"Look at me Kurama."

He braced himself before doing so. There was more to it of course. There was always deeper levels to everything he thought. There were times he wished he was not so analytical. That he could simply skim the surface as everyone else seemed to be so adept at. Lose himself in that lack of information. Ignorance was bliss supposedly, a bliss he had never been able to reach.

Yusuke had his hands tucked into the pockets of his jeans. Surprisingly there was no revulsion on his face. He seemed almost saddened as their eyes met.

"If it was me..."

"That isn't..."

"Shut up and let me talk."

A request spoken in a tone he could not readily identify. Curious he waited for Yusuke to continue.

"If it was me. If Orochi was doing this to me and I needed you to hold me together like that you would do it right?"

"We aren't discussing what I would do." he replied frowning.

"Yeah we kinda are Kurama." he disagreed but his tone stayed in that same soft, unidentifiable area that was compelling, "You would do it and you wouldn't care if I was an asshole about it. You wouldn't let me get away with telling you to go to hell or beating on you to get away. You wouldn't let me do that because that's the type of guy you are. You put up with a lot of crap and you do the right thing because it needs to be done. Doesn't matter what the other person thinks."

He stared at Yusuke dumbfounded by the assessment.

"So I'm thinking you aren't so good at being on the receiving end of someone caring about you enough to put up with your dumb crap. You're messed up about it being me that you have to...need for this. Well guess what I'm a little messed up because I kinda...need to do it for you."

"Need?"

Yusuke made a sound of disgust, "I'm not the fucking word guy here okay? But yeah need is the only word I can think of. That's what having to...do something means right?"

He stayed silent for a long moment torn between saying nothing and meeting Yusuke's honesty with some of his own.

_What good does it do me if tonight is the last I'll be sane enough to express it?_

"He...Orochi is...taking my soul apart."

"Apart like Youko is going to show up?"

What was that in his voice? It was driving him to distraction trying to identify the emotion playing in that soft tone. It had never been so elusive to him before.

"No Youko cannot," he answered subdued by the admission, "not here. My best guess is that when he is finished only Suichi will remain...or what is left of Suichi."

"Are you going to try to do this whole thing again?" Yusuke asked gesturing at him.

A small, sad smile tugged at his lips, "No Yusuke I won't be able to. If Orochi is successful it will be a true death."

"And you?"

"Me?"

"What happens to you Kurama? The way I'm seeing it you aren't exactly either one. So when Youko goes...you said what is left of Suichi not what is left of you."

His entire being stilled. Of all the questions he could have asked it had to be the one he was not sure of himself. He identified mostly with Youko but there was no denying he was equally Suichi. If Orochi was successful there was no way of truly telling what would happen.

"I have no idea."

Another long moment of silence this time heavier than before.

"Then I guess you better get over yourself Kurama cause I'm the only way you can stay sane enough to last through it."

He shook his head, "I don't think you understand..."

"No you don't fucking understand!," Yusuke spoke over him anger coloring his voice now as he closed the distance between them, "I won't lose you because you have some weird idea that I give a shit that I have to hug you the entire time we're here! I can do that! You better be able to do that! I can't lose you! Not like this! I'll do whatever I have to for you to stick around because I fucking need you to be here!"

The vehemence of Yusuke's statement left him speechless.

Was it possible he had misunderstood? Was it truly all him with the issues?

"I need you to be here." Yusuke repeated reaching out a hand to clasp his arm again.

For a long moment he had to wonder what shocked him more. That Yusuke could be so clear with his emotions. Or that he seemed to find him and not Youko valuable enough to fight for. It was a humbling realization, knowing even in this frailer human form he held value to someone who knew all aspects of him.

"I'm afraid I have more talent for being needed then for needing." he offered quietly, "I'm...sorry if I don't seem to appreciate your side of things."

"Like I said you're fucked up, I don't expect insane people to make sense. That's like telling Hiei a joke and expecting a laugh."

He shook his head but he could not stop the smile that came to his lips.

"Now come on fox boy its cuddle time!"

"Yusuke I'd appreciate a little less joking about this."

"You do know who I am right?"

"Unfortunately..."


	9. Three

_Almost lost him. Almost lost him. Almost lost him._

The words kept repeating over and over in his mind doing nothing to quell the furious beating of his heart as he held the still trembling unconcious form of Kurama as tightly as he could to his chest.

_Fucking bastard! I'm going to fucking kill him! Almost lost him..._

It had been so close.

If Orochi had continued any longer in torturing Kurama.

If he had let Kurama fall to the center of the cell instead of tossing him closer to Yusuke.

If he had not been able to snag the shoulder of Kurama's shirt, thank every good and decent thing in world that Kurama liked well made clothing so it had not ripped as he had yanked his friend closer.

By then Kurama's lips were a frightening shade of blue. He was no expert, had no clue how to preform CPR but he figured he had seen it enough times on TV to fake it.

What else could he have done?

Kurama hadn't been breathing so he had breathed for him.

It had only required him breathing a few times into Kurama before he felt the other young man's own lungs pull the air from him. The relief that poured through him had made his eyes sting with sudden tears that he had pushed back in favor of collecting Kurama into his arms.

Now he sat, his face buried in Kurama's hair trying to stem the cyclone of emotions ripping at him.

_Almost lost him damn it!_

Slowly his heartbeat began to reduce its maddening pace. His throat stopped trying to strangle him as his emotions settled somewhat. He knew the body, the one wracked with shudders that seemed intent on shaking Kurama apart, was functioning. He could feel Kurama's breathing through the assault of the trembling, it caught occasionally but it never stopped.

The one thing he did not know was whether or not he was clinging to Kurama or if it was a shell, empty of that defining spirit that he needed to be there.

The fear began to claw at him again, tightening his chest.

It made no sense. He had experienced things like this before. With the Saint Beast Suzaku, having to watch Keiko and Botan being hunted down. All of those close fights during the Dark Tournament when the others had almost lost their lives. Elder Toguro and his fingers in Kuwabara's chest. Over and over again he had dealt with his friend's lives being threatened, almost losing them, even thinking he had but this for some reason was different.

_There's nothing I can do! There's no fight to this! There's no blood! There's...damn it! It isn't a fair fucking fight! _

A memory surfaced, expanded into his thoughts. Kurama in the ring, bloodied and warded against using his energies. Green eyes meeting his full of determination.

"_Let me do what I must."_

Was that when he realized it? When Kurama took on a difference in his mind then the others? Or had that come later? When that bastard Bakken had been beating on Kurama while he was unconcious. When he had almost disqualified them by using his spirit gun to stop what Bakken was doing.

Watching that had been close to this nightmare except for one crucial thing. Kurama knew what was happening now, knew what Orochi's touch was doing to him, and was voluntarily allowing it to happen to keep him safe.

Back then he had understood completely what Kurama was doing. The sacrifice that might cost him his life. All of their lives were on the line but for some reason the commitment level always seemed different when it came to the two of them.

Hiei could have cared less one way or the other, to him dieing in any fight was just a matter of what happened. His life was given to the fight not necessarily for anyone. Kuwabara had just never seemed to realize the full reality of it, not that he wasn't willing to but it was still different then how he and Kurama grasped it.

That kind of sacrifice it was easy. You gave up your life so someone else could live. Simple, so simple even Kuwabara got the idea.

But this...this wasn't just giving up your life. It was suffering. It was putting yourself through the worst thing imaginable before even entertaining the idea of dieing. Sure the fights could have been seen in the same light, there was pain involved in that but it was on equal footing. One blow was traded for another. It was fair because of the opportunity to give as good as you got.

Why would Kurama put himself through something like this? Would he be able to do it?

The thought did not make the fear eating at him ease up, it made it dig in deeper.

"Wake up Kurama!" he snapped shaking the red head, "You fucking wake up or I fucking swear I'm going to cut off all your hair! I'm going to burn all your stupid damn seeds!"

That felt better, the burst of rage shoving the chaotic thoughts out of his mind. Threats were good. They were normal, sane instead of the fucked up backwards concept of him thinking to much and Kurama being the emotional mess.

"You better shove him out Youko! You shove that moron out or the next time I see you I'm going to kick your ass! Don't think I can't! I'll fucking get Koenma to send me to the spirit world if I have to! I'll hunt your silver ass down and you'll wish that hunter had killed you! I'll..."

_A whisper of a laugh slipped through the darkened grey..._

_**I think he means it...**_

_Another whisper of amusement colored with fondness..._

_**Are we that close to being dead? That I can feel you now?**_

_**Talking to ourselves? A mark of insanity I believe.**_

_**Youko...**_

_**Really Kurama there was no other outcome. **_

_**I refuse to believe that. There are always other possibilities.**_

_**If you believe that then why are you still here?**_

_**Resting...**_

_**Ah...lying to one's self is also a sign of insanity.**_

_**I am not insane.**_

_**Not yet. You're aiding Orochi by holding onto your illusions.**_

_Silence full of anger, fear, need, shame, confusion._

_Amusement..._

_**You began this. You put your head in the noose. I would never have committed so fully to such a desparate gamble Kurama.**_

_**It was necessary!**_

_**Was it?**_

_**Yusuke...**_

_**And that is the real reason you hide still. It isn't the pain. Pain is momentary. Yusuke. Your humanity shines through. I thought we had decided it was not a weakness Suichi.**_

_Resentment and amusement clashed causing the silence to thicken, roll with deadly intent._

_**Even better...wishing to kill one's inner most demons, with us that takes on a whole new meaning doesn't it Kurama.**_

_**You would never understand.**_

_**We are the same. You just have not realized I accept this part of us, know it's inner workings. You are after all discussing your thoughts with yourself. Yes I do believe we are not so sane after all.**_

_**Perhaps...**_

_**Is it so awful? To trust? To be dependent? What we once were serves little purpose now. Longing for it when you do not really wish to ever fully be so again makes little sense don't you agree?**_

_Confusion superseded the other emotions all except that constant amusement..._

_**Give in Kurama. To need is not to fail. Failure comes when there is nothing left of us to continue and we are after all the master of escapes. Failure comes when there is nothing left to feel and wasn't that what we decided this humanity was worth keeping for?**_

"...and then I'm going to..."

It hurt, dragging himself out of the greyness. Every part of his body vibrated with the aching leftovers of the third session of Orochi's touch. He could not stop the trembling but the pressure of Yusuke's arms around him, the feel of his rapidly beating heart was enough to focus his thoughts on.

"You do...realize I am Youko." he forced himself to say.

Yusuke jerked stopping mid tirade, his face pale as he stared down at him, "k...Kurama?"

There was to much hope in Yusuke's voice, more fear then he felt necessary for the moment. He concentrated, noting it was not only his body that was trembling.

"What is it?" he asked tiredly.

"I..."

It made him want to laugh though he lacked the energy for such a response. Apparently there were situations that even Yusuke found to overwhelming for words. He was having conversations with himself. There was no end to the degrees of dark humor in the universe.

"Yusuke...please..."

Yusuke's face crumpled and for a horrifying moment he thought he would burst into tears, then Yusuke gathered himself by looking away for a second. He was grateful for that. That glimpse into Yusuke's emotions had left him dazed with it's implications.

"You stopped breathing." Yusuke finally said bringing his eyes back to his.

"Before or after Orochi left?"

"That's what you care about?!"

He tried unsuccessfully to straighten, pull out of Yusuke's tight embrace. Partially due to his own weakness and partially due to Yusuke's refusal to release him enough to do so.

"Yes that is what I care about." he returned letting his anger show, "Was it before or after Orochi left?"

"After I guess. He probably would have let me go if he would have thought you were dead."

Yusuke's building anger fed into his own. This time he found the energy to shove himself out of the to tight arms, sitting forward so that he did not have to look at his friend. The anger he could understand even welcomed in the face of the emotions before that. It was his own chaotic responses that he sought to keep from flaring as wildly as they had before.

"I'm not insane Yusuke." he insisted quietly, "I realize that must have been difficult for you..."

Yusuke snorted behind him but remained silent.

"...I'm here now. Isn't that what matters?"

"I hate you."

Not the response he had thought he would get but it was said with the wrong amount of insistence. It was as if Yusuke was trying to convince himself he could hate him and failing miserably at it.

"If that is what you need to believe."

"I wouldn't you know."

Against his better judgment he turned to Yusuke lifting an eyebrow. Yusuke was glaring at the ground, anger still predominant on his features.

"You wouldn't?" he prompted with a sigh.

"Do this crap for you. I'd let him mess with your head to."

This did bring a laugh out of him. It was such a ridiculous statement to him.

"I see."

Yusuke shrugged, his gaze never wandering, "I'd tell him to only fuck with you and leave me out of it. I'd throw you at him and let him do whatever."

"You believe that?"

"Yeah I do. Nobody cares that much Kurama. Nobody does this sort of shit. Not really. It's fucking movie shit. Where everything always turns out perfect and nobody ends up dead, the good guys always win sort of bullshit. Nobody cares that much."

"Ah," he breathed understanding some of what was being said, "you forget one thing. The friend always dies near the end."

"You want me to fucking hit you Kurama?"

"Is it so hard to believe someone would care that much Yusuke? Or is it that you feel you should not be cared for that much?" he asked quietly drawing Yusuke's full attention to him.

It was in his eyes. The want for him to deny that he did. Yusuke Urameshi was many things. A spirit detective. A fighter. A friend. One thing he did not want to be was someone worthy of love, not the kind that would allow for the suffering he was being put through. And worst yet Yusuke who would do anything to not be valued in that way had only just realized how much he valued him.

"In as much as you need me here, I need you here." he confessed drawn to honesty against his first inclination to stay silent in the face of that knowledge, "There have been very few times I could have said that about anyone in my life. If you wanted me to find no value in your life you should never have offered your own that night at the hospital."

"I'm not your mom."

"No which makes the fact all that much more painful to know in these circumstances." he replied curiously at ease now that he had begun down this trek of admission, "As far as you were concerned she was the only human that mattered to me."

"No its just that..." he trailed off with a lost look.

"That it is you." he supplied.

"Sure..now your brain works." Yusuke grumbled frowning.

"A failing of mine." he allowed if only to try and lighten the mood.

Yusuke snorted, removing his hand from his arm. He had not been aware of the touch until the second it was no longer there.

_**...ripping into his back again, searing agony but different. His body jerked away from the touch of the lash, the torment of his skin splitting...**_

Reality again, facing Yusuke who had a hold of both his arms. He blinked clearing the blur of pain from his eyes. It had taken him so fast. He lowered his eyes as a gnawing fear started to grow.

"Let go of me for a moment."

"The hell I will!"

"Please Yusuke."

He did not want him to but he had to know. It was done grudgingly, one hand at a time.

_**...blood pouring down, the lash tore across his back again...**_

Breathing heavily as reality slammed into him.

"I can't let go of you."

"Don't...please don't let go..."


	10. And Four

Writer's Comment: I had to repost this chapter and In the After due to realizing I had not resolved a few things. Sorry.

They had only a few short hours. A few hours spent without saying a word. One holding the other, both in complete understanding that those would perhaps be the last they were going to have together.

If there were times the arms encircling Kurama tightened, where he was pulled closer than before he relaxed willingly into the embrace. Comfort came in all forms and he was loathe not to take what he could get from someone so willing to give it.

Occasionally there was anguish that crept into the silence. A secretive ache that surrounded them but it like everything else that had occurred in the dark cell was accepted and faded into the quiet.

"He's coming."

"Kurama..."

"It doesn't matter. It will be over soon. One way or the other."

"I hate you."

Two meanings clashing. Hurtful words said with soft sweetness.

"I suppose I hate you as well."

"You were right. I would."

"Of course."

"You're an ass."

A glance shared, warm and full of the things they would never say to each other.

The cell door opened.

Yusuke would spend a great deal of time later on, during those long bouts of sleepless nights trying to recall everything that occurred after Orochi had arrived in the cell for that last time. For some reason it all blurred together in his mind, some things flaring to brightly while others were shrouded in confused impressions.

He clearly remembered the first few minutes.

_Orochi approached them as he and Kurama stood close together. He still had a hold of Kurama's arm, worried that if he let go to soon all of his friend's suffering would have been wasted. That state he went into could not be called in any way sane._

_Instead of gesturing towards the center of the room as he had done the last two times Orochi paused for a moment studying the two of them. A slow, sickening smile spreading across his face._

"_You served your purpose well Yusuke Urameshi." Orochi said appreciatively._

"_What are you..." he began._

_Orochi snatched at Kurama, yanking him from Yusuke's grasp. There was a flash of energies that sent Kurama flying across the cell to slam into the far wall. He fell to the ground with a nauseating thud._

_Yusuke rounded on Orochi ready to attack then froze as the demon grabbed him by the throat, a jolt of humming energies taking control of his body. _

"_He was never going to live through it." Orochi gloated leaning his face close, "not and sate my curiosity. I needed you to hold him here for me. As a reward I'll treat you to what will be his dieing reality..."_

_**...he was being forced, humiliated as cruel laughter surrounded him. Shame and disgust choked him...**_

_He came to himself slowly, trying desperately to shake off the mind numbing horror that filled him. _

_**That **was what Kurama had been going through. _

_**That** had been only a glimpse of what Orochi planned to do to him. _

_**That **was what Orochi planned on being Kurama's last thoughts as he died._

_Sounds of fighting brought him out of the daze. Something crashed against the wall next to him sending shards of stone flying. One of them clipped his cheek drawing blood._

_He raised his head and the scene brought him to his feet._

_Kurama and Orochi traded blows almost to fast to follow directly across from him. As he watched Orochi slammed his fist into Kurama's chest, unable to block it Kurama was tossed against the nearby wall from the force. Orochi followed grabbing Kurama around the throat._

_The breath in him disappeared. Abruptly he was seeing everything in a new light, a new haze that focused him fully on Orochi and the overwhelming hatred he felt towards the demon. _

_He sifted into the familiar stance, purposefully allowing the hatred to grow, to consume every part of him. He was not going to allow Orochi to touch Kurama in that way ever again. _

_The demon had neglected one very salient fact. He had not studied as fully as he should have or he would not have made such a serious mistake._

_He was the master of the final moment. He had perfected the art of sudden death._

_This time he knew he felt the surge of his spirit energies along with the piercing agony of the wards reacting to it. He welcomed the pain, gloried in it because finally he could do something._

_Kurama was to close but that was alright._

"_OROCHI!"_

_The demon turned his head towards him at the sound of his voice._

_He grinned knowing it looked feral in intensity, "You should have kept it to yourself."_

_What emerged from his fingertip was not the usual blast. It was pinpoint by comparison, destroying only the head of the demon that had tormented the both of them. Granted it also traveled though the wall behind him and Yusuke was fairly certain it went through more than just that wall as it traveled._

_He could feel it, the pain that was about to overwhelm him. It was not so simple a pain as ouch. It was going to be an impressive amount of it that would rival even the better beat downs of his life. It was going to chew and chew on him and never spit him out. It was going to shred him into fine powder. It was not going to be blazing, hot white but ever freaking color of the rainbow._

_But for that second the only color he was centered on was clear and green, focused entirely on him, and abruptly in his face. _

"_Yusuke..."_

"_...I...think I sprained my spirit gun..."_

_The world tilted as his legs gave out. Strong arms caught him up and the shock wave of agony swept away any thought past that._

What plagued him on those sleepless nights was exactly how Kurama had found the energy to face off against Orochi. What had inspired the red head to such a rage that he had been able to trade blows with the other demon when his demonic energies had been subdued. What exactly he had seen on Kurama's face that last moment before he had called out Orochi's name.

What else plagued him was his own knowledge that Kurama would have rather died then be subjected to what Orochi planned for his final moments. Knowing that he had been willing to help Kurama avoid it as well.

When he had finally awaken they were outside of the half demolished remains of some structure they had been kept in the entire time. The destruction attributed of course to his spirit energies. Kurama had been alert but clearly disturbed by something that he would not share with him.

That had been the first time he had realized that neither of them had expected to live. Kurama had summed it up during the first day. It was not the time to trust a demon's words. So even though they had hoped, in the back of their minds they had known what the final outcome was supposed to be.

That had also been the beginning of realizing something was drastically different between them. That something caused them to not meet each others eyes as they waited to regain their strength. It affected the easy way they had once talked, making their conversations short and only if necessary. They apologized unnecessarily if they touched, shying away from the contact.

Not long after Hiei and Kuwabara found them, alerted by the flare of his spirit gun. Kurama took lead in what he had been fearing to do, explaining to the others where exactly they had been. He had been silently thankful that Kurama had already thought up a cover story, one that gave as little actual information as possible.

In the end the story about the portal in the forest had turned out to be just that, a story. He had already had his suspicions in that area so it came as no surprise. Orochi had planned the whole thing to trap them.

Both of them began the arduous task of beginning to pretend there were no lasting affects. Both hoping if they could do so convincingly enough to others it would eventually be true for themselves.


	11. In the After

_But it isn't alright. It can't ever be alright again, not like this..._

Yusuke closed his eyes for a moment, overwhelmed with aching sadness. He did not want to keep hurting. He could not see why it continued to hurt so deeply. Why he could not breathe at times because of it's strength. All he did know was that it felt he was constantly in the first stages of loss. This gut wrenching, throat closing well of despair could only be described as that.

_And the only way it even feels a little better is when I'm near him but it hurts worse in a different way to be this close..._

"It isn't your fault." he finally said opening his eyes to meet Kurama's.

Kurama only gazed at him. He knew what was going through the fox demon's mind. How strongly he was silently denying his words with ever fiber of his being. It was in every lack of motion, in the strained,thickening hush that settled between them. It was so viscous it enveloped him, grating against his skin.

"It isn't your fault damn it!" he shouted at Kurama, "It was whoever hired that bastard's fault! It just happened! There was nothing we could do about it!"

"If that's true then why is it destroying us?"

There were times he hated the gentle quality to his voice. If there was a voice specifically made to express the depths of desolation it was Kurama's. No one else could have evoked such abrupt heart wrenching compassion, a need to erase that emptiness conveyed with just those few words.

"Because." he said obstinately.

It was destroying them because they had held each others souls together during those two days.

It was destroying them because being in charge of a soul meant so much more then just simple expression. It was more then being in charge of someone's heart. It was cradling something more fragile then the finest glass.

They had held those precious things, knowing their actions were desperate and useless. Watching those fine cracks appear even with as carefully as they treated them, failing to protect them though they had been struggling so determinedly to do just that.

Those basic fine lines that determined any one relationship had been erased between them out of necessity, willingly at the time but only now could the full impact of doing so be felt. Those lines, once instinctual left them floundering in the wake of their absence. Oddly enough they had done this without saying much of anything at all, understanding things neither had confessed without needing to having voice it. Doing so had opened their eyes to more truths then either had be prepared to face.

It was destroying them because they were not supposed to live through seeing each other in the way they did now.

It was destroying them because in essence they had made their deathbed confessions to each other in their own way.

It was destroying them because there was no one else to turn to for comfort except for the person they felt the most vulnerable with, the most exposed to.

And finally it was destroying them because both of them were still trying so desperately to convince themselves that it shouldn't matter.

They had lived through it.

They had survived.

The good guys had won. The bad guy had died. And the friend had made it through to the end.

That should have been enough. To survive.

In the end it turned out sometimes the fight came after surviving something as traumatic as what had happened in that cell. When there was no longer a common enemy to rail against. When there were only the pieces laying around them of how they use to be and both of them frozen in fear of the unknown final product of putting themselves, each other back together again.

"That is hardly a convincing argument."

"You aren't looking for an argument. You want me to hit you." he snapped then rolled his eyes as Kurama looked away, "I'm not going to."

"I have no idea how to make this easier for you Yusuke."

"You really piss me off you know that?"

"Why is that?"

"You're still doing it. You're still trying to protect me. You're still worrying about just me. What the fuck is that Kurama?! Why can't you just stop?! Why can't you let yourself be hurt?! Why can't you just think of yourself for once?!"

"I did that. It led to this. I believe that simply proves it is not in anyone's best interest for me to be self centered." Kurama tilted his head, "None of it was your doing. You did not fail..."

"Yeah I did." he denied turning away sick with his own disturbing need to take responsibility, "I didn't protect you like I should have."

"That is not true."

"This is stupid." he muttered frustrated.

"Finally something we agree on."

He had no idea where the impulse came from. It was not something he would have normally done when someone was so dead set on being blamed for everything. Normally he might have hit them just out of frustration. Instead he spun and wrapped his arms around Kurama.

It was a bit awkward. Kurama stiffened immediately but that just made him tighten his hold.

"Yusuke..."

"I'm not letting you go." he growled angry with both of them for being such cowards that they were both shaking, "I'm not."

This had been a part of those conflicting emotions. He had been forced by Orochi to do just that, to release his hold on Kurama in that last moment when everything in him had been screaming against doing so. Brave words or not there had been mind blowing, heart rending terror in him the instant he no longer could feel the contact.

"Please..."

"You have to stop." he said softly swallowing hard against the choking dark emotions warring in him with what should have been light emotions, "You're hurting just as bad as me maybe even worse but you won't just let yourself feel any of it. It's so stupid Kurama. It's so fucking useless."

For a heartbeat Kurama entertained the idea of throwing Yusuke off of him. He was capable of doing so though he was weaker for lack of sleep. There was no longer anything interfering with his demonic energies, he was strong enough to remove himself from the embrace. He even brought his hands up to do just that but they only made it to his shoulders.

He had expected violent conflict. Perhaps in some way had even wanted it.

He could still feel the rage that had gripped him in the cell seeing Orochi's fingers in Yusuke. He had not known he was capable of that type of possessiveness towards another. Nor had he known the strength true hatred could inspire.

He never intended for Yusuke to ever know the finality of his last acts in the cell. How he had focused on two separate concepts with everything that he was.

The first had involved manipulating the fight between him and Orochi to free Yusuke enough to give him a fighting chance against the assassin. Orochi had unwittingly confirmed that what held Yusuke's energies in check were the chains he was bound with.

He should have deduced that fact on his own. Along with a few others but that had been the intent behind Orochi's first pulse of energies, it had clouded his judgment. That initial wash had paved the way to making him vulnerable to what Orochi's true abilities entailed.

So he had maneuvered the fight, playing with Orochi until Orochi himself had discharged a blast of energy that had dislodged one of Yusuke's chains from the wall. He could only hope it was enough for Yusuke to be able to defend himself.

The second concept was simple. He could not stand another of Orochi's touches. He would not submit to it for the fourth time under any circumstances. So though his attack had been in reaction to seeing Yusuke suffering in the end he had been attempting to drive Orochi to kill him.

In thinking that last thing there had been no calculation. There had been no sense of self preservation. Only the hope that if Yusuke ever understood that he could forgive his cowardice after all that had happened.

Here, beyond that he had no idea what to do with this new knowledge of himself.

He was being given a peace offering of sorts and his first instinct was to throw it as far away from himself as possible. Yusuke was right. It was stupid and useless to avoid dealing with what he knew was at the core of their relationship now.

Their mutual need for each other in what ever form it would eventually take. They could continue to fight it, causing themselves and each other more harm. Or they could begin to face it though that seemed just as daunting a task as attempting to fight it.

A shudder ran through him and Yusuke's arms tightened.

There was shelter here, one he knew he needed. One that he might always feel a need for which could possibly be what frightened him the most. The idea that he might always wake from nightmares filled with Orochi's dark torment and pleasure and his own agony. That he might forever be so severely damaged that he required such delicate treatment.

"I'm so tired Yusuke." he breathed meaning it from the center of his being.

"Finally something we agree on." Yusuke murmured then pulled back meeting his eyes, "Even my toenails are tired."

He suppressed a heavy sigh as Yusuke's arms fell away from him. It was odd how that small gesture had eased some of the pain he had been in only moments before.

Yusuke tucked his hands into the pockets of his jacket, turning, "So...come on then."

"Where?" he asked confused as Yusuke stepped away.

"Well you're tired right?" Yusuke asked looking back at him.

"Yes..." he answered unsure as to where this was leading.

Yusuke sighed heavily, "Seriously you are stupid for being so damn smart."

He waited the young man out. There were to many things he could have said at that point that would have effectively put Yusuke in his place but he was somewhat curious as to what he meant.

"This is officially my last spin at being the brains of this little duo." Yusuke said firmly, "We're going to my house."

"To sleep."

"Yes to sleep."

"It takes more then that to get me into bed Yusuke Urameshi."

"Ha. Ha. Ha. My bed is bigger that's all. And nobody will bug us since my mom is out of town. Yours will just think you left early for school or something. Now come on before I change my mind."

He shook his head, catching up to Yusuke in only a few steps. It was a rather simple solution to their most immediate problem. Neither of them had been sleeping much.

The walk to Yusuke's house was made in silence, neither up to continuing to pretend that anything was normal. The silence continued when they entered the house, following them into Yusuke's bedroom until after they had changed into clothing more suitable for sleeping.

Yusuke was sitting on the edge of the bed when he returned from the bathroom, picking his head up as Kurama entered the room. The haunted look had returned to his eyes. Kurama sat next to him on the bed to watch the shadows playing along the far wall.

"May I ask you something Yusuke?" he questioned.

"Sure."

"What was it Orochi showed you?"

"Don't..." Yusuke whispered his voice rough with emotion, "Please don't ask me that. I...just anything else."

He studied Yusuke out of the corner of his eye. He had his suspicions of what the assassin had planned for his final torture, Yusuke's reaction more or less confirmed them. He closed his eyes against the resurgence of guilt.

"You don't have to take it on." Yusuke said, "not everything. Doesn't it...it's enough what you already have isn't it?"

"Yes." he agreed opening his eyes.

By some silent communication they arranged themselves in bed, him facing the wall. Their backs were pressed up against each other. The sensation made Kurama sigh so deeply that he shuddered with the ease of tension.

"Kurama?"

"Yes?"

"Does everything have to have a word?"

"Another of those questions you think I understand?"

"No I mean, does everything have to have a definition. Like if it doesn't then does that mean it doesn't matter?"

He considered his words carefully before answering. It was an odd enough question to warrant at least some thought on the subject. He had a distinct feeling Yusuke was going to remember what he said in answer for a long time.

"No not everything is so quickly defined Yusuke. Some things just simply are without such trappings."

Another silence. His eyes refused to remain open while Yusuke's body heat lulled him into sleep.

"Kurama?"

"Yes?"

"Want to spoon?"

"If you think your reputation could handle such tarnishing."

This time it was Yusuke who sighed heavily with relief. The last had been said with just a hint of amusement. A very sorely missed sound.

For the first time in three weeks both young men fell into deep slumber. If a few hours later Yusuke began to toss, in the throes of his nightmare it was a gentle hand that woke him and allowed him to fall back into sleep. When it was Kurama who began to shudder trapped in his own twisted dreams it was a warm embrace that stilled his trembling.

This was all that mattered.


	12. Quiet Knowing

_It tells a story. The way they sleep. Yusuke curled around Kurama so protectively. He isn't smiling, that little frown is so sad in its own way. Almost like he can't reach the right position to satisfy him completely. And Kurama...he shakes every once in awhile presses back into Yusuke like he's trying to get away from something. He only stops when Yusuke moves. It's like they're talking to each other even asleep..._

Shizuru watched the two young men from the doorway of Yusuke's bedroom. She had not meant to be at that house at all but something had pulled her here when Kazuma had mentioned coming over. That sense she had learned to trust telling her that she would be needed.

It was not until they had entered the house that she had understood. The pain radiating from Yusuke's bedroom had been a dead give away and she had hushed Kazuma the instant she sensed it. That pain she had first felt two weeks ago, surrounding Kurama and Yusuke. It had brought tears to her eyes which she had quickly hidden by making some excuse to leave the room.

She had not been surprised when her baby brother had mentioned something off about the two. Kazuma's senses were still growing and he had a hard time sometimes telling what it was he was sensing. It almost hurt to be near those two, their pain was so fresh and deep.

She slowly closed the door on the scene, wishing she could help them but knowing they were at least on their way to something that would begin to ease their mutual pain.

"You'll be here to watch them?" she asked digging into her pocket for the pack of cigarettes.

"Yes." Hiei answered from the wall he was leaning against.

"I'll talk to Keiko. She shouldn't bother Yusuke right now." she offered tapping out a cigarette, "This isn't the right time for her to be around him."

"If my suspicions are correct they may sleep for a few days."

She lit her cigarette, taking a careful drag before talking, "It's bad huh?"

"Let's just say it not something I would let slip around the fool you call brother."

_It's funny in its own way, how protective they are of each other. You wouldn't think Hiei would be like this. Whatever he knows he won't even tell Kazuma. Must be something horrible that happened to them._

"What are you going to do if Botan shows up?" she asked taking another drag.

"Tell them to find someone else."

"Think they'll listen?"

"If they know what's good for them."

There was real threat in the fire demon's tone. She had no doubt that if he had to Hiei would kill whoever showed up to rouse the two in the room. She sincerely hoped that would not be necessary.

Satisfied she nodded to herself and walked away.

Time was the only thing that could heal the type of pain that surrounded the two young men. For now that time was going to be spent asleep trying to protect each other from whatever clawed at their minds.

She doubted it would be an easy road for the two.

"Hey sis, ready to go?"

She nodded to Kazuma, leading the way out the front door. He closed it quietly behind them. The siblings walked down the hallway that led out of the apartments.

"You guys aren't going to mention knowing anything is wrong are you?" she asked.

"Nah. They want to keep it to themselves. Doesn't seem right to bug them about it." he replied subdued, "Shorty won't even be around when they wake up."

She took the last drag of her cigarette and flicked it away, "That's good. Those two have enough to deal with."

"Tell you the truth we just don't know what to do for them." Kazuma admitted, "Just figure we should play along, let them have as much normal as they want."

_I don't think they will get to anything near normal for a very long time._

She shook off the thought, "Come on. I've got to find Keiko before she decides to visit."


End file.
